When nothing seems interesting and each
day seems a total failure; living a lifeless life; when everybody seem so
untrue and egoistic; when I feel I have nothing to share or in other words not
willing to share my life; when I feel the shallowness in my eyes; when I feel I
can’t control myself for unreal temptations; when I feel I m lost; when I feel
egoistic; when I feel possessive; when I feel the unquenchable desires burning my
life; when I m still adding to the ego of the ‘ I ‘ each day; and when I feel
so cold blooded, spiritless and soulless about the this life; I ask myself, “
where are you getting strength to pull yourselves up and believe that you can
be on top of your life?”
On the other hand I m not all that
bad. I m a little artistic. I seem to enjoy
light moments. I enjoy the sun the moon the water the green the birds the heat
the cold the morning the night the dusk the dawn the noise the silence the
roads the mountains the music the walk the sleep the food the companionship the
aloneness the work the books and the good part of everything. Yet while
enjoying, a big part of myself seem missing the moment and keeps wandering
elsewhere because these things don’t make me feel my-self or rather I can even
say this isn't the special me which motivates life, that is to live one more
day.
I would be just another bummer of
this generation. I would be so weak. Easily moved. Shallow. Pathetic. Mean. Narcissistic.
Just blood and bones. May be I m but there is something in me that deeply hates
me for all these. There is something in me that is a rebel against the evil and
just won’t give up. There is something in me that cry when someone else is
hurt. There is something in me that make me feel someone else’s pain. There is
something in me that makes me extend my hand to help someone first. There is
something in me that make me give up something dear just to see someone else
smile. There is something in me that make me feel so embarrassed when I waste
someone else’s time. There is something in me that make me move towards the
center of myself. I have been looking at my mom from childhood and all these
something is just a fraction of her goodness. I realized I would have been a
cold blooded beast if I hadn't had her DNA in my blood. May be each living
thing is unique in this world and existence and I m unique in my own way but I,
now realize the special part in me, that keeps me moving. If at all I still
stand to live one more day after each day I lose to the devil inside me, it is this
God; this DNA of my mom which runs through my blood gives me strength and makes me move ahead. May be
my life has been meaningless and may continue this way for days to come. But the
fire, the burning truth of my life will add a meaning at some point eventually.
I whole heartedly believe I can’t be here without the love of my dad.
Live every moment.
Love
Karthik Vasan B
